“Aw, I wish I could, but I have to…”
For a while, that was my response to a lot of invitations to hang out. Even though I really wanted to go most of the time, either schoolwork or other obligations took precedence. Because in the end, I get graded on these assignments, and those grades affect my GPA, and my GPA affects what job I get, and my job affects my life and overall happiness. What did hanging out lead to? Just some enjoyable hours, with a constant nagging of “After this I have to go home and study/write/etc.” And don’t get me wrong, I love being with friends. But when there was a relatively important assignment, then that’s where the importance seemed to be.
But that’s where I was wrong.
Recently, I’ve been making an effort to put being with friends ahead of almost everything else. Especially now while studying abroad, it seems even more imperative because after these next five months, we’ll all go off to different parts of the world and the likelihood of meeting up is smaller than with friends back in the US. After class a few nights ago that ended pretty late, my plan was to head back and work on making my class schedule and applying for a grant for grad school. But in that class, I met a guy from southeast Asia and he invited me to go eat with him and his friends. If I had gone up to work, I would have missed this opportunity to meet and talk with new people who are now new friends . And when I look back now, a few days later, I’m still on track with both of the things I perceived to be so time-sensitive in that moment.
In China, “guanxi” is very important. In my business class yesterday, the professor asked the class if anyone knew what this word meant. One guy said, “networking,” to which the professor answered almost immediately, “No, it’s very different.” She explained that “guanxi” was “a relationship.” To my understanding, the essence of “guanxi” is to genuinely enjoy the presence of the people you might be working with, and if the business works out, that’s cool and good, too.
I think that guanxi perfectly illustrates the divide I was failing to make before. I only saw the the benefits of what could become concrete accomplishments and underestimated the deep reality of human interaction and friendship.
I’ve realized that just because an achievement or grade or job title might seem more physical or more “real” than building a genuine relationship doesn’t mean it’s more important. If anything, it’s the complete opposite. Sounds cliche to say, but when I look back 30 years from now, I won’t remember what grade I got in my Chinese class, but I will remember speaking Chinese with new friends. If you put it that way, it seems almost obvious.
It just took me a little while to realize.
Stefano Montali 