That Feeling you get but Don’t Understand

“It doesn’t even feel real.”

Last night, I texted this to my mom without even thinking about it. I was responding to her message letting me know that my grandma has passed away peacefully after multiple battles with cancer. And it really doesn’t feel real a day later either.

Have you ever felt that emotion when someone that’s extremely special to you moves on? Or really, an absence of emotion. You feel bad that a person you loved’s death doesn’t totally just knock you down completely. You want to feel the range of emotions you’re supposed to feel when something like that happens. Because if you don’t, you really didn’t love the person, did you? 

That’s what I used to think when it happened to me once before.

In 2007, my grandpa died after fighting Parkinson’s Disease for some years. I remember I was in Peru on a vacation with my mom and siblings. My dad had gone to San Diego to be with my grandpa and grandma and his siblings. I still remember that we were at the beach house In Peru watching a movie with some of our friends and my mom came in and asked us to come outside. And then she gave us the news. But it was weird, because my 13 or 14 year old self didn’t really all of a sudden feel an overwhelming wave of sadness. And I didn’t understand why. So when my mom asked us to come pray the Rosary outside with her for my grandpa, I got mad. I wanted to finish the movie. Blame it on a lacy of maturity, but I think part of my response was that my grandpa’s death didn’t yet feel real.

My grandpa (dad’s dad) lived in San Diego and my grandma (mom’s mom) in Peru, so I never had the luxury of going over to their houses all the time like some people do. And the distance I think contributes to that feeling of their deaths not being ‘real’. Because I’m used to not seeing them for a while. When Christmas comes along, I’ll be headed to Peru and my grandma will be there welcoming me in. Just like always.

But now, and especially in the last few years, I’ve developed a deep desire to have known my grandpa better. Whenever I used to get the question, “If you could invite three people to dinner, who would you invite?” I used to answer with people like Bono, or Dwyane Wade. But now I always say my grandpa. Because I would give anything to have the chance to talk with him as a 21 year old young man and not just a 13 year old kid who got mad if my grandpa asked us to play outside instead of watching TV.

My grandma I got to know better as a teenager and adult, as I had 7 or 8 years more with her on Earth. But now that she’s gone, it’s like that extra amount of time didn’t matter. I’ll miss making jokes about people walking by and the feeling I got when I called her and told her about something that I had accomplished at school or work. I always pictured her at my college graduation, my wedding, even there to meet her great–grandchildren. I took that for granted because she was one of the healthiest 70-something year olds I ever knew. She even had a blog called “Extreme Grandmas”! It’s crazy how one disease can deteriorate someone so quickly, even after years of a healthy lifestyle. Cancer just completely sucks.

My grandma was one of the most genuine, strong, and overall beautiful people I’ve ever met. While she was alive, it seemed that other then when she came to visit, she was usually on a different continent from where I was. But maybe the reason it doesn’t feel real is because it’s not. Maybe she hasn’t really left the Earth, she’s just changed the way she is “here”. I like to think that she’s even closer to me and to everyone she loved than ever before. Because now I don’t need to pick up the phone to talk to her. She can hear whatever I want her to hear and help me in any situation I get into.

 So in a way, she’s actually closer to me than ever been before. 

And that is what truly feels “real“.