I just heard a guy in the elevator tell his friend, “See you in 20 years, I guess.” Well. At first that sounds crazy. Why would you wait that long to see a friend again? But when you look past the initial craziness of the comment, and think about it for about five seconds longer, and in the context of my situation, it seems more realistic than before. It’s my last week here in Shanghai, and the goodbyes have begun.
Some of my best friends from this semester went home during the last two days and it’s a trend that’ll continue for the next week. I’m starting to get the feeling I did when I saw Monica, Chandler, Rachel, Joey, Phoebe, and Ross finally move out of that apartment on the final episode of “FRIENDS”. Or that montage during the last episode of “The Office.” It’s bittersweet. So damn bittersweet. And even though those moments were just on TV, they resemble something that’s too real as I’ve gotten older. Bigger changes happen more often. Like these seemingly more permanent goodbyes.
In the past, I’ve been on programs or jobs that have lasted from a few weeks to 4 months in places like South Africa, Notre Dame, Kentucky, Taiwan, and now, Shanghai. All of these experiences have had somewhat similar structures. During them, I saw the same group of people every day or every few days for an extended but temporary period of time and got to know these people well. Even better than I know people who have been in my life for much longer. But the thing about these programs is that they feel more like short-term “home-bases,” and less like a trip somewhere. As they say, a “home away from home.”
But they were also similar in that when I started these programs, I always knew that I’d be leaving sooner rather than later. And always, when these programs finish, there’s never a central meeting point for the friends I make there. Different schools, different states, even different countries make meeting up again pretty complicated. I remember I used to always count on seeing people again, even seeing them again soon. But too many times, it hasn’t happened. I have friends from these programs who I haven’t seen in 6 or 7 years. And that’s why 20 years doesn’t seem as crazy anymore. And yeah, I’ll see one friend here, and a few there. But when I’m on these short-term “home-base” experiences, who’s to know which friends those will be?
I remember sitting in a bar during the first few weeks in Shanghai, and thinking ahead to the current moment I’m in. I knew it was temporary. The reality that we’d all be flying home in only a few short months. How and why is it that we as humans, so constantly form relationships with people that we know might not be in our everyday lives for more than a few years, months, or even weeks? Short-term relationships that will inevitably force us to muster up a “see you later,” when so many times, it’s really a “goodbye.”
The other day I was at McDonald’s with a group of some good friends from work and we started discussing when we’d all meet up again. Because that’s what we do when the end of an “era” is looming closer. We plan some reunion that the oddmakers of life would probably give a 100:1 chance of ever happening. We’re almost all from different countries, so that makes it harder, too. But planning these reunions gives us reassurance, even though in the back of our minds it seems unlikely. Elephant in the room. Maybe we’ll all move to San Francisco and start a company? Or maybe at one of our weddings, we’ll laugh about the good times we’ve had in Shanghai.
I’d do anything to ensure that a reunion will happen. That we’ll all turn up in the same city somehow and be a friend group just like we are now. But our hopes and our realities are two different things, completely. Someone might say, “Well if you want it to happen, then you can make it happen.” Yeah, if the world were perfect. And don’t we wish it was.
But don’t mistake my thoughts for negative ones. I’m just being realistic. And that’s why I’ve decided to look at these kinds of friendships a bit differently. As singular periods in my life that don’t necessarily need a “next time.” Just a, “right now.”
What if these kinds of friendships stood on their own? What if we didn’t cloud the last month or weeks or days with the anxiety of “next time,” and instead focused on living up the “right now.” If we knew that this was an 100% fact the “last time,” how would we be different? Would we say things we always wanted to say or show more appreciation for our friends that we subconsciously rely on showing the “next time?” If we did, well, it wouldn’t really matter if we don’t ever cross paths again. Because we’d have given everything we could to our friendship right then. Why rely on the future, when the present is, well, so present?
Remember that scene in “Perks of Being a Wallflower“:
“When we got out of the tunnel, Sam screamed this really funny scream, and there it was. Downtown. Lights on buildings and everything makes you wonder. Sam sat down and started laughing. Patrick started laughing. I started laughing. And in that moment, I swear we were infinite,”?
All three of them were completely content in the present. Sure, it was for only one car ride. But for that car ride, there were no thoughts on the uncertainty of their future together. Just total bliss-filled friendship and an appreciation for the realness of the moment in itself. If you know the book/movie you know that the three friends all go their separate ways only a short while after that scene.
So to the friends of whom I’ve just said goodbye and to the ones I haven’t seen in one year or ten. I would love to see you again. To continue to experience together what makes us friends. Whether it be through music, sports, people, dreams, life…whatever. But, if our stars never realign again, that’s okay, too. Because the time we spent together was invigorating and wonderful, and in itself, complete. Thank you for the weeks or the months or the years that you made my life even just a little more full than it was before. When you associate something as trivial as time to the importance of a friendship, well, there really is no merit in that.
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If this was relevant to you, please leave some feedback and/or share. Thanks for taking the time to read! Always appreciated.
Stefano Montali 
nice 🙂 really true!
Hi Stefano. It’s Michael from the hostel in Hong Kong. I liked reading this, and I have mixed feelings about it.
What tends to happen is something rather unattractive. I think what generally happens is you read this blog in 20 years if you still have access to it, and the friends become a distant memory and you try to remember their names and faces, and you smile at the optimism you had 20 years before.
What I think has to happen is if you truly feel this strongly about these people, you have to have a RESPONSIBILITY to them and to your feelings about them. It has to be more than Facebook messages. We have to Skype with them, write them letters, respond to the ones sent to you… If we are not willing to put in this effort, than these people are not lifetime friends, but acquaintances we used to get through a time in our lives that would have otherwise felt lonely.
In today’s day and age, young people are desensitized. Hell, there was someone in our hostel who admitted he consciously told people he would join them for future plans, knowing he would have to come up with a lie to later cancel on them because he felt so highly about himself that he thought not joining people for their plans would crush their feelings. This is exactly the kind of person who is going to have difficulty maintaining significant relationships in his life. If we are to be the types of people who value others, especially friends who needed one another in a time of loneliness and a time out of our comfort zone, we need to take the extra step and have heartfelt communications with these people. We need to check our egos at the door and CARE.
I enjoyed reading this blog and look forward to reading your older posts. Meanwhile, Myanmar awaits!